Thursday, August 18, 2016

Nine.

August 2007.
I graduated nursing school.
We started trying to build our family.

2007.




I stumbled upon this on Instagram a few weeks ago.  And it struck me.  Struck me as my truth.


Nine years ago.  I was a newlywed.  Blissfully happy.  Naive.

The last 9 years has dug me deeper & deeper into a place I now call reality.  Life is unfair.  Life is hard.  Life is sad.  Life is painful.  And as of late, life is, a place I hope I never remember being.  In a place where one's heart hurts so deeply, one can hardly breathe.


This summer when we went camping, Jeff & I reminisced on our 10 years of marriage.  I had forgotten the early days of him working a 2nd job.  Working over 40 hours a week at one job, then working several nights a week delivering pizzas.  Working 60+ hours a week then was the norm.  He always worked so hard.  I was in nursing school.  He was working all that and commuting nearly an hour each way.

Then there was the difficult decision for him to sell out of his business & go back to school.  He wanted a lifestyle that made being a parent more of a priority.  We had 3 children less than a year old, we were spending $800 a month on formula, plus diapering 3 kids.  And again, we found ourselves making due on one income.


In our 10 years of marriage we have owned two homes.
We have each held several jobs.  Some we left by choice, some we left by chance.
We have cried many a tear.
Smiled many a smile.
Punched holes in walls.
And patched them.   Most of them.
Together we have conquered many things.

I look at my life & find many things to be proud of.
But something is still missing.
I am not complete.

On top of everything, I miss my grandma so.  To a level I never dreamed possible.  A year & half later, the tears don't stop.  I miss hearing how proud someone was of me.  Someone noticed my accomplishments.  Someone noticed my pain.  Someone noticed how hard I tried.  Someone noticed.  She noticed everything.  She always did.  She saw my soul.  And she told me.  No one has ever seen me like she did.  No one ever will.


Yet despite everything, despite death.  Despite my children growing older.  Despite my hair beginning to gray.  Despite it all, I find myself stuck here.  Stuck in this seemingly eternal purgatory.  Between growing older, and wanting to move on to the next chapter of my life.  And feeling like this chapter is not yet fully written.  The stories of all those around me seem to be progressing.  New chapters being written.  Some books coming to a close.  But mine, mine is frozen.


Our first journey to pregnancy lasted 22 months.  Then, I thought that was eternity.  I was wrong.

This one, 4.5 years and counting.  On again & off again, as my heart & our budget allow.


Stuck.  In this place.  Nine years.... and counting...


And if I forget someday, which I hope I do, the way my heart feels today.  Remind me.  For I would sell my soul to the devil himself before I watched one of my children walk this journey so alone.


And while life goes on.  And I smile.  I also cry.  And my soul; It slowly crumbles away.  And I become someone different.  Day.by.day.  And that blissfully happy, naive, young, newlywed that once was, is so far gone.  My mind can't even remember who that person once was.  All I am is tired.  Stuck.  Tired.  Forgotten.

Sunday, January 3, 2016

A year...

I can't believe it's been an entire year since she has been gone.  Time has gone so fast & so slow at the same time.  I miss her as much today as I did a year ago.

Hardest year of my life.

Happy Angelversary Grandma.  I LOVE YOU.

Tuesday, November 17, 2015

World Prematurity Day

Yesterday, the doors of the Creighton University Medical Center NICU closed. Some of today’s best nurses, respiratory therapists, and physicians spent time there.  They worked hard & knew sacrifice.  They cared for the most vulnerable of patients, with the utmost dignity & pride.  The nurses took education seriously & I learned so much about both nursing & life in my 4 years there.  It was the unit where I became a nurse.  Where I cried tears of life & personal struggles.  Where I became a mother.  Where my own babies grew big & healthy enough to come home.  Where I learned life lessons & grew my wings.  Where I formed lifelong friendships with co-workers & patients that I will cherish long past the closing of the unit doors.  It will forever be a piece of me & forever will have a piece of my heart.  Thinking of those who cared for my babies & so many others before & after them.


Today I celebrate World Prematurity Day.  I celebrate because am so thankful for the wonderful health care my babies & myself received.  Every year so many babies are born prematurely & not everyone is as lucky.  To find out more visit March of Dimes.


Thursday, November 12, 2015

SIX!

At 1:22, 1:23 & 1:25pm today my miracles will be SIX.

Life is wild, amazing, busy, hard .... and I can't imagine living it any other way.

I love you to the moon Hayden, Olivia & Logan.  Happy 6th Birthday!!

t



Wednesday, October 14, 2015

Do a selfie


Instead of sharing a Facebook status detailing the color of my bra or other random thing from years past, & instead of partaking in "no bra day," & instead of selfies of myself plastered in pink all in the name of Breast Cancer Awareness...

...today I share the amazing Ashli from Baby on the Brehm.

Follow her instructions & DO a selfie.  And be aware of YOURSELF.

Hey! It's me on Her View From Home coffee chat this morning! I've got a request for all y'all!! Happy Hump Day!!! Smile! Life is beautiful!
Posted by Baby on the Brehm on Wednesday, October 14, 2015

Monday, September 21, 2015

A long weekend of firsts

This weekend we had a first.  Hayden had an invitation to a birthday party for a boy in HIS class.  This was the first invite we have ever had for just ONE kid.  We "bribed" the tears out of Logan & Olivia with ice cream while Hayden was at the party.  And Hayden had a blast!!

We continued our garage project... and Logan helped by using up some of Jeffs scrap wood.  Jeff was building a shelf for the basement & Logan grabbed some scraps & put together a deer all on his own.  So he & Jeff nailed & screwed it all together.  He was very proud!
 Pretty good for his first woodshop project!!

Then Monday morning at the wee hours (while I was still sleeping) Hayden brought me a tooth.  He lost his first tooth!!  You can't really tell, because his adult tooth is almost completely in!  But after almost 10 weeks & a consult with the dentist... one is FINALLY out!  Now we have room to start wiggling no. 2!
 We had a teacher inservice from school... and spent the day at the Pumpkin Patch.  Olivia came down the BIG slide for the umpeenth time all calm & silent, with her hand held out.  Then Grandma GG screamed, HER TOOTH!!  That sucker was hanging by a thread for days.  And while in line to ride the slide, it fell out.  She managed to hold on to it, get her gunny sack spread out, crawl on, ride down.... and not loose hold of her tooth.  

All this tooth loosing... and looking in their mouths lead me to find Logan & Olivia each have a new 6 year molar through.  And Hayden has THREE through the surface.  Crazy!

Saturday, September 19, 2015

My favorite thing

I've been having a lot of miss my grandma moments lately.

Time is so strange.  While I can picture my children with their hands in her casket holding her hands so vividly its like it happened yesterday.  The 9 month mark is just around the corner & it feels like it has been an entire lifetime since we spoke.

This year has been hard.  I'm not my best version of myself.

But this is Olivia's favorite song.  And it helps on my hard days.